26 September 2009

5 Movies Everyone Loves that Actually Kind of Suck

Teenagers can be stupid. But it’s not really their fault; they just like to be a part of the crowd. Actually, teenagers like to think they’re not a part of the crowd, which, quite ironically, makes them a part of the crowd since every teenager thinks that. Anyway, that’s off topic. If there’s one thing teenagers are most stupid about, it’s movies. All it takes is one person to declare how awesome a movie is and all the sudden everyone loves it, even if it doesn’t deserve it. And I think movie studios know this. So they keep producing movies they know will be stupid but teenagers will love them anyway. Because teenagers are where the money is. Anyway, here are some movies which everyone loves that I just don’t get. Box office results don’t lie. They’re not in any particular order, just because I don’t feel like it. Also, I know this is somewhat hypocritical because I'm barely not a teenager. But that's okay, because no one reads the introductions, anyway. I could reveal here that I'm actually a vigilante who goes around at night beating up bad guys, and you'd never know.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

I remember when comedies didn’t rely on their audience to be high in order to enjoy them. You don’t see it much, anymore. I also remember when Will Ferrell was actually trying to be funny instead of playing the same person in every movie, graduating from the Adam Sandler Academy of How to Make Money Without Actually Being Talented. I also remember having to walk 15 miles, barefoot, in the snow to see movies. Imagine my disappointment when Anchorman, a movie everyone swore to me was kind of a big deal, was not a big deal. Is it funny? Sure, if you laugh at knock-knock jokes and have a Will Ferrell shrine in your closet.
The Notebook

This one probably shouldn’t be on here. Not because I think it doesn’t suck, but because criticizing The Notebook for girls is like criticizing Lord of the Rings for nerds or criticizing Vladimir Putin for Russian journalists. The movie’s an exercise in predictability and also explains what’s wrong with relationships, these days. Love triumphs overall! Yes! Oh, wait, except for that one guy (I don’t remember his name but he was played by James Marsden, or Cyclops in the X-Men movies) who Rachel McAdams ditches for the guy she fought with all the time. Even after he forgave her for cheating on him, she still left his ass for this guy whose only interest was yelling at her. You know what happened to that guy (I just Wikipedia-ed his name and found out it was Hammond). You know what happened to Hammond?

Heartbroken for being dumped despite being a good guy, Hammond, depressed and lonely, turned to alcohol, went crazy, and started wearing clown makeup to mask the scars on his face resulting from multiple suicide attempts. He then moved to a little place called Gotham City and lived happily ever after. All thanks to Rachel McAdams being an indecisive jerk.
300

This was difficult to put on the list (not really, I’m just kind of tired of typing) because of all the sucky movies on here, 300 is probably the least suckiest. But, with that said, it still hides behind a curtain of special effects and grunts and abdominal muscles that make me feel like a wad of pudding. 300 is like that guy girls meet at the party who has the body, flip-flops, cockiness, and charisma and convinces the girl that he’s pretty much her dream guy. For one night, anyway. That’s 300. It hides the fact that is has a weak storyline behind a fake sepia effect and less historical accuracy than fucking Transformers. When you take away the glitz and glam, you’re left with 2 hours of guys doing ballet with swords.
Also, why is it that Ephialtes, despite his honorable intentions, is casts from the group of Spartans? Hmm…let me think…does it have something to do with the fact that he doesn’t have a Michelangelo body? No! Couldn’t be! Hollywood doesn’t embrace hotness and reject averageness. Except for like that one time. And those 129,023,873,923,183,292 other times.
Slumdog Millionaire
It won the Academy Award for best picture, so I should’ve known it was going to suck. It meets all the criteria for winning the Oscar: It’s long, it’s boring, it tries to be emotional, you don’t give a shit about what’s going on, it’s independent, and it doesn’t have giant robots or dinosaurs in it.
Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3 is the Voldemort of Cinema. I don’t like talking about it. It makes me uncomfortable. So I won’t mention the horrible dialogue, Peter Parker snapping his fingers while dancing like John Travolta dressed as an emo kid, the love triangle that makes no sense, the “buddy scene” at the end, Venom not showing up until the movie’s pretty much over, the fake and clichéd emotion Raimi tries to induce from Marko having a sick daughter, the lazy writing, the corniness, the fact that Maryjane needs saving again (she’s like the Princess Peach of the movie world).
I mean, if I was Spider-Man, by the third time she needs saving I’d just be like “fuck it” and go find a new girlfriend. It’s not like it would be hard. I mean you’re fucking Spider-Man. You could walk into any party and pretty much have your pick of the litter (well, provided there are no writers or 1998 Honda Civic drivers or Brents at the party, or God help you a combination of all 3...).
Spider-Man 3 is epitomized in the end, when Sandman flies off into the sunset. Peter Parker forgives him for, you know, killing his uncle, countless innocent people, stealing tons of money, destroying property, maiming cops, etc. etc. It’s kind of like Sam Raimi himself (the director in case no one watches as many movies as me) is apologizing to us for raping our dreams that the third installment to the Spider-Man series might actually be pretty good. I, though, unlike Peter Parker, am not nearly as forgiving.
Brent Saltzman
DM Media 2009

23 September 2009

6 Reasons I Just Can't Take 'Harry Potter' Seriously

So I finally got around to watching the 6th installment of the gripping Harry Potter franchise that actually isn’t all that gripping because everyone already knows exactly what happens, and it was hard for me not to notice how dark and gloomy it was. It was like some emo kids snuck onto the set and started passing around joints and turning up the Tool music. This is a glaring contrast to the first two movies, which blended darkness with this unique little charm that made them quite enjoyable. That’s tough for me to admit, especially considering I’d be more embarrassed if someone found a Harry Potter DVD in my closet than if someone found a big stack of fetish porn. But this new direction they’ve been taking since the third one just doesn’t strike a chord with me. It’s Harry-fucking-Potter. When it tries to be all dark and badass it just comes off like one of those kittens on youtube clawing at the screen and hissing (or Spider-Man 3, which in itself is a movie that should not be named…). It wants people to take it seriously, but you just can’t, and here are six of the (most obvious) reasons why.
#6---Quidditch
Quidditch is the Wizarding World’s answer to soccer, football, basketball, and absolute pointlessness all rolled into one. I understand that Wizards need sports too, but instead of something cool like sea parting or shooting things with wand lasers or something they instead ride around on broomsticks beating the hell out of each other for no reason, because whoever catches the little golden ball thingy wins. You know how kickers in football (the good kind), who only come to practice about 20 minutes and chill on the sideline while everyone else gets their asses beat in the game, are actually set up to win the game for the team? That’s how Quidditch is. It doesn’t matter how well your “beater” beats, as long as you don’t totally suck and go down by 160 points, and as long as that little wuss who hasn’t been involved in any of the action gets the golden thing, you win. Oh, and to reiterate, it’s on broomsticks. They could’ve badassed it up a little and let them ride around on dragons instead. But no. Broomsticks.
#5---The Names
So you’re the Dark Prince of Wizardry. You’re the world’s ultimate badass and no one will so much as utter your name without hyperventilating. The whole world is on edge just because of you. So, one day, you come home to your wife, battered and bruise, and the conversation goes a little like this:
Voldemort’s Wife: “Oh my, god! Honey, what happened?”
Voldemort: “I tried to commit mass genocide, enslave the rest of the human race, and take over humanity, both magical and not, with a shroud of everlasting darkness."
Voldemort’s Wife: “Well, how did it go?”
Voldemort: “I got my ass kicked by Dumbledore. Dumbledore.”
Having names like Slughorn, Dedalus Diggle, Luna Lovegood, those were all fine and dandy when the movies were still aimed at children and didn’t try to go all Dark Knight on us. But now, they just sound stupid. If my name was Professor Mad Eyed Moody, I wouldn’t expect anyone to seriously consider the outstanding academic potential of my class, either.
#4---Wands
I know that wands are part of the whole Wizarding mythos, but when your Wizards are going around making out and killing people, then maybe that’s your indication that you should tastefully update your methods. How about like a Wii-mote or something? You know that scene in every single action movie ever made where the bad guy has a gun pointed at the good guy, getting ready to kill him, but not before mocking him and telling him how he wins? Pretty badass, right? Now replace that with a fucking wooden stick and suddenly it doesn’t seem so threatening, I don’t care how good it is at streaming out laser shows. And when you give that “pointy-stick-hold-up” scene the atmosphere of a Saw movie, like the end of the Half-Blood Prince does, it makes it almost comical.
Personally, if I was at Hogwarts, I wouldn’t have anything to do with wands. Instead, I’d be walking around with one of those lightning guns from District 9 that paint walls with human viscera. Voldemort can point his little wooden stick at me as aggressively as he wants, because if I have that lightning gun, his ass is getting fucked up. I don’t care how many horcruxes he has.
#3---Snogging
I know it’s just British colloquialism, and that’s fine. But when we’re in the midst of an overlord attempting to annihilate every living soul on the planet and bring Hell upon the masses, the word “snogging,” which comes up about 19,209,190,239,023 times in the 6th installment, takes you completely out of it and reminds you that you’re watching something that was originally intended for 10-year-old outcasts. They could’ve used kissing, frenching, hell, even macking would’ve been okay. But they went with snogging, which honestly sounds more like something that happens at Smurf frat parties in those rooms with the hair tie over the knob.
#2---Deus Ex Machina
Firstly, Deus Ex Machina is not just a videogame, but in a literary sense is when a solution basically just comes out of nowhere with no foreshadowing to it. The most famous example is the end of War of the Worlds, where all the Martians die, their entire plan to take over the planet thwarted, all because they forgot to pack Purell.
There’s another term, though, for DXM that you may have a better understanding of: Cop out.Oh, no, Harry needs to breath underwater, what will he do?! Ah, a magical underwater breathing thing. Brilliant! Oh no, he needs to sneak around without being seen! Does he go all Sam Fisher on everyone? Nope, an invisibility cloak. You see what I’m getting at, here?
The problem with having magic as the primary plot device in a movie or book is that magic, well, can do anything. It’s kind of like that old saying, “Because God said so!” that no one uses, anymore. Whenever you have a problem, just make a potion or something for it. So why do they have any problems, whatsoever? Teenagers can make love potions but these genius professors can’t make a “Banish Voldemort/Kanye West” potion and solve all the world’s problems? It’s like that kid who just makes up the rules as he goes along to ensure he can win. That’s magic. But there’s an even more annoying element to the Harry Potter films and books which has perplexed me ever since its mysterious absence…
#1---That Fucking Time Machine
In the third book and movie, that nerdy girl who’s hot when her hair’s straight, Hermoine (if I spelled the name wrong I do not care), uses a time machine after our heroes pretty much fuck up and some Griffin-knock off's neck gets a date with an axe. So, what do they do? They pull off the most ridiculous example of Deus Ex Machina ever invented: A time machine. They go back in time a few hours, fix everything, and are good to go.
So, let me get this straight, there’s a dark Wizard trying to kill everyone, everybody’s pissed at each other, everyone’s made mistakes which have led up to this point, and you’ve had a fucking time machine? And you’re just now bothering to tell us?
Time machines are the ultimate cop out, but even more so, here, because they apparently use it to solve only one problem. As far as I’m concerned, if you have a time machine, you have no problems. Ever. Just go back and fix them. You have all the time in the world. You have a fucking time machine! Hell, why not go back 20 years and stop Voldemort while he’s still a little emo kid? No? Too easy? Fine.
And how come it hasn’t been in any of the following books? Hermoine, obviously, was cleaning out her desk over the summer, found the time machine and thought to herself, “Hmm, there’s no way I’ll ever possibly need this again!” before discarding it next to her stacks of Pokemon cards and a Dreamcast. You’re right, Hermoine, you’ll never be able to use it again. You know, except for like every fucking thing ever.

22 September 2009

A Conversation Between Steven Speilberg and Michael Bay

By now, you’ve seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and chances are, you have a lot of questions about just what the hell Michael Bay was thinking. So, after digging up some dirt, I have the answer to all your questions. In July, 2008, Michael Bay had a phone conversation with producer Steven Spielberg to discuss the script. Here lies some quotations of that conversation.
Steven: Okay script, Michael, but I have some questions.
Michael: AWESOME script, Steven. But go ahead...
SS: Okay, first of all what’s the deal with the rapping robots? MB: They’re awesome, Steve. That’s their deal. SS: Aren’t they a little racist?
MB: Well I just said they were awesome.
SS: That scene where Mikala revives Sam from a coma with a kiss, I mean, that seems a little cliché. Wasn’t that scene in The Abyss, like verbatim?
MB: Fist of all, Steven, I don’t know what “cliché” and “verbatim” mean, but I’ll assume it just means “awesome,” which is what this scene is. Plus you get to see sideboob, which is also awesome.
SS: Why do feel the need to include gratuitous shots of Devestator’s scrotum?
MB: Well, for one thing, it’s awesome. Second of all, it’s supposed to be symbollogical to my own scrotum. Duh.
SS: There’s a frat party scene in here and that in itself is fine, but it seems like it has a budget a few million dollars higher than most of the frat parties I went to as a college kid. Maybe you should tone it down a bit for realism?
MB: It is realistic. Obviously your college wasn’t as awesome as mine.
SS: Okay, Michael. Robot leg humping? Doesn’t that spit in the face of biology?
MB: What do you mean? How else would robots make babies?
SS: I just have one more question. How come only a Prime can defeat the Fallen? He doesn’t seem very strong… MB: Want to know why, Steven? Fuck you. That’s why.