Teenagers can be stupid. But it’s not really their fault; they just like to be a part of the crowd. Actually, teenagers like to think they’re not a part of the crowd, which, quite ironically, makes them a part of the crowd since every teenager thinks that. Anyway, that’s off topic. If there’s one thing teenagers are most stupid about, it’s movies. All it takes is one person to declare how awesome a movie is and all the sudden everyone loves it, even if it doesn’t deserve it. And I think movie studios know this. So they keep producing movies they know will be stupid but teenagers will love them anyway. Because teenagers are where the money is. Anyway, here are some movies which everyone loves that I just don’t get. Box office results don’t lie. They’re not in any particular order, just because I don’t feel like it. Also, I know this is somewhat hypocritical because I'm barely not a teenager. But that's okay, because no one reads the introductions, anyway. I could reveal here that I'm actually a vigilante who goes around at night beating up bad guys, and you'd never know.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
I remember when comedies didn’t rely on their audience to be high in order to enjoy them. You don’t see it much, anymore. I also remember when Will Ferrell was actually trying to be funny instead of playing the same person in every movie, graduating from the Adam Sandler Academy of How to Make Money Without Actually Being Talented. I also remember having to walk 15 miles, barefoot, in the snow to see movies. Imagine my disappointment when Anchorman, a movie everyone swore to me was kind of a big deal, was not a big deal. Is it funny? Sure, if you laugh at knock-knock jokes and have a Will Ferrell shrine in your closet.
The Notebook
This one probably shouldn’t be on here. Not because I think it doesn’t suck, but because criticizing The Notebook for girls is like criticizing Lord of the Rings for nerds or criticizing Vladimir Putin for Russian journalists. The movie’s an exercise in predictability and also explains what’s wrong with relationships, these days. Love triumphs overall! Yes! Oh, wait, except for that one guy (I don’t remember his name but he was played by James Marsden, or Cyclops in the X-Men movies) who Rachel McAdams ditches for the guy she fought with all the time. Even after he forgave her for cheating on him, she still left his ass for this guy whose only interest was yelling at her. You know what happened to that guy (I just Wikipedia-ed his name and found out it was Hammond). You know what happened to Hammond?
Heartbroken for being dumped despite being a good guy, Hammond, depressed and lonely, turned to alcohol, went crazy, and started wearing clown makeup to mask the scars on his face resulting from multiple suicide attempts. He then moved to a little place called Gotham City and lived happily ever after. All thanks to Rachel McAdams being an indecisive jerk.
300
This was difficult to put on the list (not really, I’m just kind of tired of typing) because of all the sucky movies on here, 300 is probably the least suckiest. But, with that said, it still hides behind a curtain of special effects and grunts and abdominal muscles that make me feel like a wad of pudding. 300 is like that guy girls meet at the party who has the body, flip-flops, cockiness, and charisma and convinces the girl that he’s pretty much her dream guy. For one night, anyway. That’s 300. It hides the fact that is has a weak storyline behind a fake sepia effect and less historical accuracy than fucking Transformers. When you take away the glitz and glam, you’re left with 2 hours of guys doing ballet with swords.
Also, why is it that Ephialtes, despite his honorable intentions, is casts from the group of Spartans? Hmm…let me think…does it have something to do with the fact that he doesn’t have a Michelangelo body? No! Couldn’t be! Hollywood doesn’t embrace hotness and reject averageness. Except for like that one time. And those 129,023,873,923,183,292 other times.
Slumdog Millionaire
It won the Academy Award for best picture, so I should’ve known it was going to suck. It meets all the criteria for winning the Oscar: It’s long, it’s boring, it tries to be emotional, you don’t give a shit about what’s going on, it’s independent, and it doesn’t have giant robots or dinosaurs in it.
Spider-Man 3
Spider-Man 3 is the Voldemort of Cinema. I don’t like talking about it. It makes me uncomfortable. So I won’t mention the horrible dialogue, Peter Parker snapping his fingers while dancing like John Travolta dressed as an emo kid, the love triangle that makes no sense, the “buddy scene” at the end, Venom not showing up until the movie’s pretty much over, the fake and clichéd emotion Raimi tries to induce from Marko having a sick daughter, the lazy writing, the corniness, the fact that Maryjane needs saving again (she’s like the Princess Peach of the movie world).
I mean, if I was Spider-Man, by the third time she needs saving I’d just be like “fuck it” and go find a new girlfriend. It’s not like it would be hard. I mean you’re fucking Spider-Man. You could walk into any party and pretty much have your pick of the litter (well, provided there are no writers or 1998 Honda Civic drivers or Brents at the party, or God help you a combination of all 3...).
Spider-Man 3 is epitomized in the end, when Sandman flies off into the sunset. Peter Parker forgives him for, you know, killing his uncle, countless innocent people, stealing tons of money, destroying property, maiming cops, etc. etc. It’s kind of like Sam Raimi himself (the director in case no one watches as many movies as me) is apologizing to us for raping our dreams that the third installment to the Spider-Man series might actually be pretty good. I, though, unlike Peter Parker, am not nearly as forgiving.
Brent Saltzman
DM Media 2009
